Response

"Atheism, true 'existential' atheism burning with hatred of a seemingly unjust or unmerciful God, is a spiritual state; it is a real attempt to grapple with the true God.… Nietzsche, in calling himself Antichrist, proved thereby his intense hunger for Christ." - Seraphim Rose

Nietzsche didn't hunger for christ, he was calling himself the antichrist not because he opposed christ the person, as it were, but rather that he opposed the entire aesthetic melange of the neo-platonian West and its Greco-Judaic origins.

See the birth of tragedy by Nietzsche for the Apollonian aesthetics inherent to Christianity and the Dionysian alternative. Ignore the Wagner worship if you choose to read it.

This aesthetic of the western world included the worship and subservience the weak and unworthy and the suppression of self for the sake of immaterial and unworthy false idols. Nietzsche valued beauty, strength, and most of all, truth.

When Zarathustra declared that God was dead he wasn't making a literal statement, he was pointing out the truth of what had never existed. No god exists, no god has ever existed, all the deities of various religions have never truly existed unto themselves.However, a god exists within the hearts of men so long as they devote themselves truly to casting aside their egos in the service of the ideal of that deity.God was dead because he was dead in the hearts of all supposedly Christian men. Zarathustra saw this and spoke of it.

Nietzsche had no more thirst for the christian 'christ' than he did for the mirage of an oasis in a desert. To say otherwise is wishful thinking and an attempt to push your cognitive dissonance and religious insecurity on famously brilliant (but dead) people.

You can see similar behaviors with Fundamentalist Christians defaming Charles Darwin and other related scientific figures.

They are the actions of petulant and frightened children.

Not thinking adults.

Paintings

It was the only beautiful thing I've ever done, in this manic outburst of energy. It's all gone now and I have nothing to show for it.

Response to CC

Well, your input as always is great. You've always been one of the few people whose reflection on my person/character I can really trust, and I feel like you've hit on a few things again here. Yeah, I was overly bitter a few years ago. A lot has happened. I haven't dated anyone since Elizabeth, and that was...over a year ago. Which if you know me, is *very* unusual for me. I had a brief decompression period after her. I just became dissatisfied with where my life had gone and I eventually just let it all fall apart. I eventually got to a point where I sought no connections with anyone in Ohio, even turned away a couple nice girls who (to my shame) fell for me, because I simply wanted my life in Ohio to evaporate so that I could walk away and just let it all go. I don't really know how one thing led to another. After the flattened affect and everything else...I just let everything slide because I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing. My career was dwindling in the terrible economy and I had no real human ties other than Ben and you.

I'm definitely more social, and I'm also a lot less negative. On the other hand, I've still got a somewhat flattened affect (less down, but also less up) and I think the fact that I've somewhat purposely remained single as long as I have is starting to shift my attitude a bit. Menial conversation isn't really a phrase that enters my mind anymore. After Elizabeth, I don't see the value in that kind of interaction anymore. Talking to people like Elizabeth just heightens the danger you're in if they get any emotional hooks into you. People that brilliant but that lack self-discipline or emotional stability are a source of volatility, sadness, and anger. I don't want that again.

Philosophical discourse, in short, is overrated. There's no point. I know by now what I must do to be happy. I've got a couple ideas for white papers floating around in my head (I've got about 2000 words written for one idea, 3500 words written for another), but it's not anything I'm likely to act on, even if they're publishable in a journal of record. I understand now that if I want to be happy, I must seek to enjoy people as they are, not as they compare to some silly intellectual ideal. I just want to meet kind, sincere, fun people. People who will care about me after I've gone. Nothing else really matters beyond that, least of all the ability comment on obscure philosophical subjects.

I do think that I've taken to a slightly more clear writing style as you seem to suggest. I think I could still strip it down and simplify it more, but I'm happy with the progress so far.

Yes, positive changes. Most of all, I'm able to be happy in spite of my material circumstances. This is something that has done a great deal for me, and isn't something that can be done justice in a blog post. The only real recommendation I can make is "Buddhism with the dogma stripped out".

From April/May of this year until now I've been couchsurfing, living in my car, living on the street, backpacking, and traveling. I found what I wanted, a job programming. I lived as a vagabond of sorts for awhile, even managed to get some coding done. It was never the end goal. I just needed to strip my life down so that I could rebuild it. All I want is all I've ever wanted.

To quote Sal Paradise from Jack Kerouac's On the Road, "I want to marry a girl", I told them," so I can rest my soul with her till we both get old. This can't go on all the time -- this franticness and jumping around. We've got to go someplace, find something." - Sal Paradise

Specifically, it's a Python programming job that will have some Linux system administration mixed in. I was working a nonsense minimum wage job here in town, but that was just how I described it, nonsense. As far as pay and cost of living here in NYC goes, there's not much I can tell you. It's very livable here if you rent a room (rather than a whole apartment), but the quality of life per dollar earned is much lower than Columbus. It's not really desirable to live here unless you have a career or some kind of side gig from which you can derive significant income. I'm actually not going to be making a lot of money at the job I've just started but it's not something I'm dwelling on right now.

Things are a-changing. Even if they don't change for the better, I've always got a plan these days.

We'll see how things go here in Gotham.

So, I'm sold

After 11 years of Linux usage, I finally got serious about tiling window managers and spent all night tinkering with them. I settled on ion3 for various reasons and I'm extremely happy.

The new environment I'm working in has more or less redeemed Linux for me, if perhaps not for the general user.

The main advantages for me personally with a tiling window manager are

1. Speed. The rendering speed is good and doesn't lag on workspace switches like Gnome + (Metacity/Compiz) did.

2. Keyboard control. I still resort to the mouse whenever I don't know the keyboard combo to do something, but I'm adapting quickly. Keyboard control is, as always, much faster for anything not requiring analog/graphically descriptive control.

3. The minimalistic aesthetic of it greatly appeals to me. A couple improvements could be made to the GTK stuff, but a quick-stop to lxappearance (I can't say for sure if I'm invoking the correct name, but that was the gist of it) or some-such when I'm not feeling lazy will rectify all ailments.

All in all, a very pleasant and refreshing experience.

*almost* makes me hesitate to continue to strive towards that macbook ;)

YASU

8/16/2009

Have cash, have job, have a place to stay for ~1 month. Doing pretty okay. Hopefully replenishing my clothing stocks soon.

Still poking around for a software job.

SU 8/13/2009

6:56 am

Sitting in a McDs. $20 left. Don't get paid for another two weeks. Woo-hoo.

Laptop is about to die, going to look for a laundromat.

Status Update

$30, in NYC, have a place to stay tonight, but not tomorrow night.

I managed, thank god, to strip the suitcase from caravan. it was killing me. In preparation for any potential complications tomorrow night I've written down the addresses and subway directions for various homeless 'shelters'. (They don't really have plain full service shelters, they have eating centers and pseudo psych wards.)

I'll toy with the thought, for now, I'm focusing on making it out to the training day @ 1 pm tomorrow for a canvassing job.

Keeping up the posts will be difficult soon.

The Illusion of Originality

If you had asked me about this subject 5 years ago, I honestly would've believed that it would have become a non-subject by now. The fact that the present cultural zeitgeist and behaviors of my peers continue to perpetuate this silliness compels me to comment.

I'm sure that, at least by now, most people have met a pitchforker. The people who pride themselves on listening to unsigned bands, reading Pitchfork ("Indie" music mag), who pride themselves on knowing the band "before they were famous". These are the people who brag about their music collection either due to eclecticness or vastness. A behavior of which I am guilty, admittedly not out of a desire to brag, but rather, out of awe of my own compulsiveness in collecting music.

The problem is that people value what is rare, unknown, or seemingly original. The problem is that all of these are void issues. If something is unknown, it's probably for want of a combination of quality and promotion. I will admit that some quality bands can be fairly unknown, but I wouldn't say that that's the case when you isolate it down to the people who actually care about the band's genre of music. Example being that, if you start a truly excellent melodic death metal band, regardless of whether or not you are "famous", anyone who cares about the genre *will* find out about you one way or another.

As for what's rare, that's just economics and human nature. The desire to grasp for what one doesn't have just because one doesn't have it is something I don't particularly identify with and frankly it makes us little better than field mice.

Originality is one of the more interesting components of these behaviors. The problem is that originality doesn't really matter. Sometimes all the world really wants is a better mousetrap. Even if it doesn't, nothing is truly original under the sun. Everything is made up of the constituent parts of what came before. This applies to everything from technological innovation to musical genre busting. Even the most eclectic bands adhere to a particular aesthetic which could, at best, be described as a fusion of two or three genres/older bands.

Listening to a band no one you know has ever heard of doesn't make you special. If you're lucky, it means you spend a little too much time hunting for music. Like me. At worst, it makes you an arrogant poser who keeps spouting off about your stupid fucking music collection when in fact no one really cares and is tired of hearing it.

Shroud

My vision was alternating between pure darkness and brief glimpses through my slitted eyelids of the lights outside. The constant bumps and vibration only served to make my continuing consciousness a sure thing. My right leg was vibrating with an intense numbness that traveled through my leg and bled coldly into my lower thigh. I calmed my mind and focused on the numbness. It had to be from pinching some kind of nerve.

I knew that taking the bus on this trip wasn't going to be a luxury experience, but the little surprises were only bothering me because I couldn't seem to get any sleep.

I had a man sitting next to me who looked and smelled like bathing was something he regarded as something to be avoided at all costs. The lack of hygiene was compounded by his none too inconsiderable girth. There were two seats astride, I'd paid for one, and was getting and 1/3 of a seat for myself.

As we approached the layover stop, the bus driver made a note over the PA to leave something on your seat so that you may save your spot. I made certain not to leave a trace behind.

Despite it being 0128 on a Monday/Tuesday, the hustle and bustle in the Pittsburgh Greyhound station was more than I expected. I knew that it was a decent sized city, but I was still surprised at not only the quantity of people but also the din of activity. After spending an hour people-watching in the bus station, I reboarded the bus for Philadelphia. This time, I made a point of getting a window seat.

After the continual interruptions in my sisyphean attempts at sleep, I was starting to feel a bit unsettled and feral. Whereas on the bus I was feeling weary and vaguely homesick for a family that wasn't there, a city that I didn't have, and a home that didn't exist, arriving at the bus stop I was prepared to run screaming for the hills from all civilization just so that I could get some fucking sleep.

Shortly after I settled into a seat that didn't appear to be the one the man-oxen was aiming for, I had a new bus compatriot. This time, it was a grad student from Taiwan. His accent wasn't as bad as it could've been, but the noise of traveling in a large combustion powered vehicle down the highway made it an effort for me to listen to him. After exchanging some cultural commentary, I laid my head against the window and tried to go back to sleep.

Every time the bus jostled me while my head was rested against the window, it traveled like a wave from my feet to my head. I managed to use my hand as a shock absorber against the blessedly cold surface of the window. My eyes were finally staying shut of their own accord, rather than as an act of will on my part. The alternating lights and darkness of the highway were dancing across my eyelids like a dream machine. The experience itself was like being in major vein travelling somewhere important and each light flash was like an exiting capillary.

I dreamt then, dreamt of everything. My thoughts were half my intention, half where my mind wandered. I continued to be vaguely aware of the world around me, mostly through the light-dark-light-dark of the lit interstate I was on. My thoughts went to the color purple, they went to Sartre, they went to wherever they wanted. Eventually all I could think about was happiness and why I didn't have it.

Up to that point, my mind had been fairly quiet about the whole ordeal I was in. The living out of the car and being homeless, then losing the car, and now travelling to Philadelphia in the hopes of working out a new life. Now I was consumed with it. The grief of being stripped of what little I had in my life. The anger at the nepotism behind the false meritocracy of society. All of it made me angry now.

I closed my eyes tighter, took in a deep breath, and cleared my mind. Every time the light passed from my vision and faded into darkness, I held my breath and tried to freeze the moment in time. I was young, but that didn't mean that I had to be angry. I was homeless, but that didn't mean I had to be bitter. I merely had to discipline myself. After allowing several breaths in and about, I readjusted my satchel that was at my feet, propped my feet back up, and tried to go back to sleep.

I fell asleep with an empty and calm mind.

Explaining Myself

I've done a lot that could make people mistake me for some kind of western Buddhist. I let go of my possessions and attachments (what little there was of each to begin with), and hit the road to take time for myself. I even had someone suggest that I be a Buddhist monk the other day.

This is inaccurate, however, to characterize my actions as aligning me with a Buddhist outlook. I didn't reject possessions in their entirety, I appreciate the utility of a good tool, but rather I rejected the burden that meaningless possessions represented for me. I wanted to leave and everything I owned was holding me back. I did after all keep my laptop.

Rather than aligning myself with Buddhism at large, I see myself as being more epicurean than anything, although it might be said that I like finer foods than the actual Epicurus of Hellenic history. I like to live simply, but enjoy the things I do treasure. Good company, music, food, family these are all things I adore.

Buddhism rejects all attachments out-of-hand without really analyzing the risk/reward ratio involved in each. To my mind, the risk of the pain of having my laptop stolen is far outweighed by the utility it represents modulus efforts I take on my part to prevent theft. Buddhism rejects all pleasure and passion, where I embrace it tempered by a rational sense of proportion.

Passion is more or less the driving force in my life, whatever the objective may be. Without which, I would certainly not be the same person. Were it not for the desire to achieve nirvana, there would be little difference between the silence of death and the din of life in a perfectly buddhist life. I choose rather to embrace the outgrowth, noise, passion, and messiness of life wholeheartedly.

Rather than attempt to glide through life unscathed by the pains caused by attachments, passion, and simply caring, I want to be able to see scars. I want to be able to point to stories and see the storm and stress I endured. I want to be able to regale friends of old victories and funny anecdotes. I want to share my life with another person.

I just want to do it without being burdened like an ox with possessions for now.

I would make for a terrible buddhist.

Full Disclosure

I'm at, *checks wallet* $28 and change. I like to fly fast and low apparently.

Have some money rolling in from Ohio but not for a couple days. Taking it easy and probably getting some work done for the next couple days.

The humidity and heat here is distinctly unpleasant, practically puts you into a stupor the moment you have any beer. Nothing I'm not used to thanks to Ohio.

I've been listening to a lot of Autumn's Grey Solace lately. If you're in the mood for something pretty and chill, with tinges of the Cocteau twins, it's not a bad way to go. I find the music helps with writing as well as relaxes me.

Entertaining a lot of ideas lately with respect to work, not really all that certain how soon I want to be prepared to accept non-programming work.

I really dislike hot weather. Can't wait for it to start cooling down so that I can start thinking coherently again.

A post with a semblance of content to come when I'm in air conditioning.

First Arrival

Made it into Philadelphia at 8:41 am yesterday, pretty much hit the ground running as soon as Kacey picked me up in Chinatown. After dropping my stuff off at Kacey's apartment, we went out and I spent most of the day with either Kacey or Alex. Main priorities for today are to get some writing done and applying for work in the area.

I've been a bit distracted today so far but I hope to get some things done.

I have arrived in philly.

Principled Nihilism

A commonly parroted notion is that nihilists are by nature some kind of licentious monster or serial killer. Of course, I intend to contend with that assertion. While some people I've met over the years have at least had the sense to not outright accuse nihilists as collectively being evil or morally aimless, but they still were distinctly unsettled. Unsettled in such a manner that I couldn't help but feel like they had these visions of Dante-esque orgies (or worse) in their mind's eye whenever they dwelled on the nihilist-in-question's beliefs.

Nietzsche is sometimes mistaken for a nihilist, but his general thoughts concerning nihilism is that it was the next stage for human development yet something to work past. What Nietzsche really wanted was a completely post-human/ubermensch redux of philosophy that would somehow be pure/true due to its separation from human concerns / history / culture / beliefs / morals / ethics. While I don't share his infatuation with a "post-human philosophy", he was very good at slicing and dicing. Nietzsche's deconstructive/analytical abilities are frequently hailed as being some of the best in human history, and yet, the majority of intellectuals, philosophers, and auto-didacts don't seem to apply the tools and knowledge that he offered.

One thing in particular that I refuse to do is to separate my humanity from my philosophy. That's not to say that sentimentality will supersede rationality or truth, but rather that I recognize being human as a fact of my existence and that any philosophical/moral truth which ignores this fact is more or less irrelevant.

The looks I get from people who've known or spoken with me for some time, when I tell them I'm a nihilist are usually more surprised than from those who are perfect strangers. There's a very real cause and effect going on here. The people who've had the opportunity to interact with me assume for various reasons that I've got a very strong sense of value. This isn't necessarily a mistake, there are many things I hold dear.

What it is that makes me a nihilist, what distinguishes me from the average person, is that I separate absolute universal value from my personal valuations. Some would call that subjectivism as *opposed* to nihilism, but this is incorrect. I assert, as all nihilists do, that nothing *actually* has value.

That doesn't change the fact that I'm a human living a human life in a human society and that I intend to make the very best of it. To my mind, getting people to understand and respect nihilism as a legitimate moral/ethical outlook is every bit as an issue for me as it is to get the general public to respect atheism as a legitimate viewpoint.

Where Nietzche ties into this, is in how I texture and describe how I handle the cognitive dissonance of valuing things that I know to have no value. The best and most universal analogy that I can muster is also the simplest. Everyone (anecdotally speaking) has had some kind of stuffed animal/thing that they clung to as an infant. In my case, it was Snuggles the bear (yes, the fabric softener).

To most people, in particular people not of my generation, Snuggles the Bear holds no meaning nor value for them. Just a corporate mascot. For myself and anyone else who had a parallel experience in their childhood, Snuggles is a source of a nostalgic smile and a reminder of a distant childhood.

The difference, is aesthetic. Value is aesthetic. Fashion is about what we value in adornments and clothing, which is aesthetic. Music is about what we aesthetically value in the chords and notes of musical compilations. Aesthetic is value, value is aesthetic. The human experience forms the basis of our aesthetic which forms the basis of what we value.

Contrary to what some say, this doesn't diminish values or morals at all. Quite the opposite. Instead of values and morals being some universal absolute carved-in-stone rules with no relevance to the present human experience, you develop an outlook on life that draws from and feeds into your memories, happy, sad, fearful, and angry alike.

Instead of the path we take in life being based on abstractions from on high with no concern for human worries, human passion or desire, or human circumstances, what we value can be based on matters of personal taste and integrity. For me, being a nihilist is about being human and embracing being human. It's about embracing the life that has formed my mind thus far.

What's your Beef, Jerky?

As it stands, the plan is to depart Monday afternoon/evening. I'm heading for Philly first, then NYC. I'd eventually like to make a trip around the country, but we'll see what is feasible. Something has come up to give me cause to stabilize my life a bit. I'll be seeking work in Philly and NYC, and I have people I'm meeting up with in both locations. I'd like to make it out to Montreal and maybe Ithaca if possible.

I have a couch to crash on in Philly, but NYC I'm not as well briefed on. I'll update as I go. I keep meaning to buy batteries for my camera as well so that I can start photographing things.

I might be taking a small grill with me, if I can, I'll try to do some urban grilling.

I realized that I had a rather formidable (for one person) alcohol stash and that it needed to be drank before I left. The stash as it stands is a bottle of scotch, bottle of gin, bottle of cheap wine, and a small bottle of vodka.

Hopefully all of this ends with my making a new home after my walkabout and going back to work as a programmer.

Preparations and Farewells

I quit my job 30 minutes ago. They were surprisingly nice about it. I got a clothesline and a poncho last night. Was tempted to get a travel backpack but I just couldn't justify it. Present backpack works fine although the added carrying capacity might be useful.

After I collect and cash my final paycheck, I should be hitting the road this Friday, hopefully arriving Friday night or Saturday morning in Philadelphia.

I've acquired some writing paraphernalia for the trip so that I'm not chained to the laptop if I want to record any thoughts or experiences. My primary focus however will be on being there and experiencing the sights and people and not being a human camcorder.

Relaxed at the library today, pondered how nice it would be to have a companion on this trip like Kerouac had. Looks like I'll be on my own, I doubt I'll find anyone as mercurial as I am. We'll see.

It occurred to me today that I have an unusual number of scars for someone my age.

Time for me to get a couple pairs of shorts so that I don't continue to suffer in this weather.

Dreams in Color

I dreamt about watching a storm roll into Texas in what looked like the middle of the desert last night. Not the worst way to pass the sleep.

Continuing to work and save money for the (hopefully) upcoming road trip, so far I've got Philly, Ithaca, and NYC on the hotlist with Montreal as an option depending on what happens.

I'm starting to think that after ~3 weeks of living out of my car that it is changing me a little bit. First and most obvious difference is that I'm becoming accustomed to the impermanence as well as the vacuum of not having a "homing beacon". The more subtle change is that I think it's making me happier at some level. I haven't felt any sustained melancholy since I began like this. I don't know if it's the fresh air, the sunlight, or some combination thereof, but I just plain feel fine. I can't really explain it beyond that for now.

Living on the road, either by virtue of modernity or the ever-shrinking world, isn't really that much different from normal life. I don't get to sleep on a comfy bed, one of the few things I really miss about having my own place, but beyond that it's not much different. There's a general feeling of restlessness that comes from having to rotate where you sleep and otherwise hang out as well as to seek wifi, but all the trappings of modern life are essentially intact. I can't help but feel like there's no substantial change involved unless you experience hunger or get dropped off in the wilderness. Surviving in the city is pretty comfortable. I'd be a liar to say otherwise.

I've been working on TeXing up my resume for the past week on and off (I don't exactly have an office), and I think I'm in the final stages of making small edits here and there. I'll probably shift to using the TeX resume primarily, although I might need to keep a stripped text-only version in case a recruiter wants to play Mr. Wizard.

It's becoming increasingly clear to me that I won't be finding any work here in town, making it all the more likely that I'll clear out of town fairly soon. Some of the best programmers in town that I know are in the job market now, and that doesn't spell anything good for the software devs here.

I can't complain about having a potentially difficult decision made for me.

Will likely be getting a (much) better camera before I head out of town, so more and better pictures coming soon.

Gas Station Blues

I feel it's worth noting that I've tried to be very conscientious about when and how I take advantage of various services and niceties available to the public. The principal public nicety that comes to mind here is how I tend to use public bathrooms as more of a literal washroom. Cf. http://boprog.blogspot.com/2009/07/zen-and-art-of-public-bathing.html

With that said, I also was reminded of the lesson in mobile living: don't establish a habit and don't make repeat appearances at a single location. I was making my third visit to a particular Sunoco in Columbus for my morning bath. It'd become a multiple-visit matter because it was in proximity to a rather safe/public parking lot that I'd been sleeping in. Big mistake.

Apparently the black backpack I use to carry my toiletries + shampoo + bath towel in to the bathroom is suspicious to overly-tanned broskies with a complex. Long story short, I exited the bathroom after yet another rather meticulous spot check and cleaning of said bathroom to make certain I left it looking better than when I arrived. This combined with my notion of fairness in patronizing the location (I always walked out with something worth at least a dollar so that they got some business out of me, even if I can't really afford to be doing this everytime I shower) wasn't sufficient evidence to prove that I wasn't some sort of repeat candy-bar thief.

Roight. Because it's worth getting charged with theft as an adult because I want a candy bar. I don't even eat candy bars, I'm hypoglycemic so eating junk food like that only spells misery for my next 24 hours or so.

On a brighter note, future plans are beginning to come together. I have what seems like a confirmed waypoint in my travels from an acquaintance on Reddit. I've added NYC to the list of locations to stop at on my forthcoming journey. I hope to begin the trip before fall begins in earnest.

P.S. If you find yourself living on the road and see a Sunoco in Columbus, just keep moving.

Zen and the Art of Public Bathing

If you find yourself temporarily or semi-permanently on the road, you're going to need to procure a means of bathing and cleaning yourself. You don't always have a friend or truck-stop on hand for bathing, and truck-stop showers cost money anyway. If you had money to blow on a shower, you'd be in lightly different circumstances, da?

Regardless, there *are* some basic materials you'll need.

- Materials -

Clean towel
Towel you don't give a damn about (optional, but you'll want one and see why soon)

Shampoo (don't need bar soap or body wash unless you think your skin needs something other than the cleaning the shampoo will provide)

Toothbrush + Toothpaste

A razor for shaving (don't bother with electrics, last thing you need is something that needs power or has a servo motor that can break when you're on the road)

Washcloth

Some gallon-sized ziploc bags to keep things separated.

Deodorant/Antiperspirant as desired (I always use it after each bath, but obviously this is more optional than getting clean)

- Location -

Picking your location is critical because it can mean the difference between having a peaceful, quiet moment alone to tend to yourself or having a very VERY unpleasant and hectic morning as you try to clear out of the bathroom like a Romani (gypsy) getting run out of town.

You obviously have to pick a one person bathroom that can be locked, which narrows down the field considerably. You can choose to go with bathrooms in restaurants/food service locations, which are guaranteed to have hot water because of health regulations, or you can opt for a gas station bathroom. Smaller places like Starbucks are preferable for bathing because while there'll be more traffic (impetus to make your bath quick) it's much more likely a Starbucks will have a one person lockable bathroom than most food service locations.

Alternatively, gas stations (especially locations with separate outside bathrooms) are quite likely to have a lockable solo bathroom and also less likely to have any serious foot traffic allowing you to take a moment to breathe while you clean yourself.

Today I opted to go with a gas station with an outside (not locked by default like some are, but lockable from the inside) bathroom.

Advantages:

Way less foot traffic than most bathrooms, was able to spend about 10 minutes in there.

Disadvantages:

No hot water, at all. Had to bathe using cold water. This isn't as bad as it sounds in the summer, but it's horrifyingly unpleasant some mornings. This was one of those mornings.

Dangerous employees (see comment below)

The basic process (modified according to practicality and preference) goes thusly:

- Order of Operations -

1. Lay out the icky towel you don't care about on the floor before you do anything else. Alternatively if you couldn't get ahold of an extra towel, lay down a bunch of hand towels or toilet paper as available.

2. Make damned certain the door is locked and jammed in anyway you can. If it opens inward then cram a shoe in the bottom so no one can get in even if they have a key. Sometimes idiots won't hear you and will request that it be opened up by a keyed employee. Sometimes the employee is dumb and doesn't bang on the door either.

3. Begin undressing after you've taken care of any non-bath-related needs. Try to pile the clothes on a clean surface or on the icky (this is kind of a misnomer, standing on this towel is vastly superior to the alternative) towel or some laid out hand towels or whatever you can muster.

4. The easiest and most comfortable way for me to get myself wetted down for bathing is to use the washcloth (clean), soak it under the faucet, get my hair wet and my body wet for cleaning.

5. Get some shampoo in your hands and go at your hair with it. Getting my hair and various bits washed are my priorities in any bath like this as they are the only things that really need cleaning every couple days. Unless you mud wrestle for a living, 3/4s of your body should actually not need cleaned more than once or twice a week, but I wash all of it anyway.

6. After lathering and shampooing your hair while suspending your head over the sink, fire up the faucet to begin rinsing your hair off. I keep my head down-turned and suspended over the sink the whole time in order to facilitate not having the cold water drip down my backside.

7. After you've washed your hair to the point of being clean (sometimes it takes two lather-rinse cycles for me to get all the excess oil out of my hair), now it's time to work on everything else. I just use shampoo lather to wash the rest of me and then wipe/clean with the washcloth.

I guess you could bother with body wash, but I've never understood why people don't just use their shampoo for that purpose. Maybe someone can explain it to me. I guess women would want skin moisturizer, but this isn't a day spa, you're trying to look presentable for work and social stuff.

8. I usually rinse any excess suds off by rinsing and shaking out the washcloth and using it to wipe anything off. A recommendation I would make if you're living out of your car like I am and are thusly frequently sitting in a blazing hot car sweating is that you might want to priortize acquiring a large quantity of brand new underwear to cycle through so that you're perpetually wearing a fresh pair. I'm actually heading out to buy a couple packs after I finish writing this article so that I can put off going to the laundromat.

9. Once it's all said and done, be polite and clean up after yourself. Bring an extra "icky" washcloth for cleaning up any messes you make if you find yourself doing that (I don't have any problems containing my bath to a narrow area). Rinse out the sink if you washed your hair in it, pick up any hand towels/toilet paper on the floor, etc etc. A good way to keep yourself a welcome sight is to buy something (very small/cheap, you're not looking to burn cash obviously) so that you can get slightly less awkward looks from the patrons and employees.

For the record, this kind of life experience is going to do one of two things to you.

1. You're going to develop some kind of complex about bathing and really badly want to get an apartment ASAP, which is kind of good since it'll give you hella impetus to hustle your ass and find work.

2. You're going to be like me and become utterly shameless about silly commonplace things like hygiene. Who cares if they know you sponge-bathed in their bathroom? (This isn't an alternative to working, I've actually got a part-time job at the moment and am seeking work more constructive to my career at the moment while I'm on the road.)

Cheers and good luck if you find yourself living on the street. More posts/advice to come, more than likely.

Anecdote: Today the employee of the gas station I was frequenting took a screeching start at me in her SUV and tried to run me over (I was in plain view, she was looking straight at me), I had to dodge the vehicle to avoid getting hurt. At least I got clean.

Restless

Whenever you're on the road like I am, it's a significant mental shift to make after a lifetime of living 'someplace'. Whether or not you have a sense of origin, most people will have a mental/emotional homing beacon that just defaults them to travel in the direction of 'home' and naturally relax/settle in when they arrive.

That doesn't exist for me now. In the midst of many competing material concerns and discomforts, the principal source of anxiety for me is this completely ephemeral and immaterial upset in my routine.

Hikikomori and the CEO

Workaholics are a curious group of people, in particular the ones who are by any sane definition independently wealthy. Another, but more recent, social phenomenon is that of the hikikomori, or, 'NEETs'. The komori or NEETs are a group of young, disaffected people who are not engaged in the workplace, training, or education.

The workaholics who work without any legitimate material reason to do so are a subject of fascination for me. From what I've read, it seems like they cut down to two subgroups. Those that genuinely love their work, and those that are so wrapped up in their work that they have nothing better to do. The ones that have nothing better to do, or just plain can't see themselves doing anything other than work, or are so insecure that they need to amass vast sums of money are trapped in themselves.

The NEETs are a growing portion of the maturing young people that are so disaffected with society that they do not engage in education or a career/work. You could probably stratify the various reasons that NEETs are 'drifting', but it all boils down to the same social alienation and lack of motivation, whatever the 'cause'.

Extremes tend to be more alike than they are different, in many cases, and this situation is really no different. Both sufferers in either case are alienated because of the lack of parity between society and the past natural human lifestyle amongst other extant factors.

Win32 Assembly

documentation is terrible. Like, the worst programming documentation I've ever seen. Nasm's documentation seems to be made for special cases to distinguish itself from people who are used to MASM/TASM (ehhhh).

No seriously, it's horrid. Linux/*BSD/OS X asm documentation are all vastly superior.

That is all.

A Pub, a Parking Lot, a Bakery

Sitting in the frigid arctic wastelands of the North freezing my arse off at the moment, also known as Panera Bread. Luckily they decided to throw in a free internet with my $1.89 coffee, lest I be deprived of the internet. It is seriously cold in here. Back in High School, I was 'that' guy. The one that was always too warm, always wanted the AC on in the car. I don't know if it's because I just woke up in my car in a parking lot in the middle of the city, because of my dropping fat percentage, or what, or that Panera is just plain trying to kill me, but it is the kind of frigid in here that I would reserve the moniker 'morgue' for.

Apparently the local gentrification squad, along with a contingent of hipsters and yuppies like to chill in Panera. They are surely replications of the human body in robot form, for nobody but me could've lived long enough in this climate to type this. Hipsterbots. Hmm.

It's high time I do something productive in this oasis of wifi.

Oh yeah, the pub. Some guy at the pub was buying me shots of whiskey just to prove he could drink more alcohol than me. I was drinking on an empty stomach and still made him look silly. I need some kind of warning label that says, "do not attempt to outdrink" for my lapel or something.

Nietzsche and the Unabomber

Nietzsche was a philosopher that I (really) discovered not long after shifting to atheism. Nietzsche's willingness to toss aside anything that didn't stand up to honest examination was refreshing and his critique of society at large was frequently chuckle inducing. Nietzsche's commentary on nihilism and the notion that it was a stepping-stone to a greater-than-human philosophy appealed to me as well. Many mistake Nietzsche for a nihilist when he in fact was not, and frequently critiqued it. The idea that he was a nihilist may have risen from his willingness to deconstruct virtually any social norm or popular ethical concept.

The important part of what he had to say about nihilism was with regards to how it was acceptable as an 'intermediary' truth until something that superceded and was somehow untainted by the human experience could be uncovered. Existentialism and post-existentialism are seen by some as follow-ups to Nietzsche's quest, but I've never really considered them to be acceptable except as potentially useful tools for handling life.

There are two primary interests in my philosophical life that I give time and thought to. One is to the post-human philosophy that Nietzsche's ubermensch could potentially unveil. The other is the consequences of industrial society on human life and the repercussions of the coming post-scarcity society.

Post-scarcity, to the unitiated, is a point an industrial society reaches were all resources are plentiful to the degree where price and money with respect to resources mean little. That is to say, supply has outstripped demand in all meaningful practical aspects of life and thusly all needs are provided for. Matter of social capital would still, of course, be relevant.

While this sounds like a virtual heaven-on-earth to anyone just now encountering the concept, that is at best a rather callow estimation. On further examination, it seems clear that there are a great deal of uncertainties surrounding how this would affect humanity as a species.

Theodore Kaczynski is someone who is known (at least amongst those familiar with his work) for having concerns about the industrial revolution as well as the consequences of post-scarcity. While he is more commonly known for being the unabomber (a reaction to personal objections to industrial society that I do not endorse nor ever will), his manifesto is actually worth reading if post-scarcity is of interest to you. Keeping in mind that his work is relatively standard reading material for anarcho-primitivists, it's worth reading due to the quality and breadth of what he talks about.

While I myself am not an anarcho-primitivist, I've had the feeling that we're in an uncanny valley of sort with respect to human happiness for some time. We're getting sicker and feebler, we're developing new mental illnesses by the decade, and we're finding new ways to become alienated from ourselves all the time. Even if post-scarcity were to say, fix all of our material/physical ailments, I don't see the immaturity of our present society being cured by a lack of material need. If anything, it would completely destabilize the social fabric of our society and virtually destroy everything that makes us distinctly human.

In fact, this process has already begun. The declining rate of fatherhood around the world, but especially in modern western society is a contributing factor to many societal ills. Not only that, but fatherhood has recently been proposed as a defining characteristic of what make us human as it's rather uncommon amongst mammals in addition to other reasons.

The kind of problems we have today with the diaspora of families would pale next to the kind of hollow people that could be found in a post-scarcity society that was ill-suited or unprepared for the changes that are entailed.

I just don't see any good alternatives. Returning to the wild doesn't really satisfy me pragmatically, so I can't take it seriously. For me personally, there might be a way to satisfy various human needs that date from our paleolithic origins, but how much of it is feasible or would be meaningful, I do not know. I've involuntarily gotten in touch with my inner craving of meat and the hunt over the past few years, and it's getting to be an intolerable itch.

Faced with the desire to produce a step beyond nihilism philosophically, and a way of life that copes with the realities of being human in industrial society, I remain puzzled. I remain doubtful that there is any chance of meaningful synthesis of the two questions as well.

Bank Blues

I went to the training meeting for the pizza delivery job yesterday. It was less training, and more that you got the job just for showing up on time and filling out some paperwork. I'll know what my schedule/shifts are next week via phone. In the meantime, I've been invited to stay with the aforementioned friend's family until I begin working.

I went to get my license and tags taken care of at the BMV today, (aka, Satan's Asshole), which in and of itself was an uncommonly pleasant experience but I had issues with the ATM. I never actually set a PIN on my account and thusly do not know the default. Either way, working out ome kind of scheme to transfer the money to my friend's account and have him withdraw cash.

A friend on IRC wanted to see my car, rather than the pretty El Camino just so she could see what I'm driving around, so I've provided the pictures below.

The above is a bullet ricochet my car received a few months ago at about 5 in the morning.

Good times.

Initial

I've been drifting for a few months now, looking from city to city for work. I was unsuccessful in Bucyrus and cleared out of Bucyrus on last Sunday. I was staying in Bucyrus with some old friends of the family, but things got rather unstable there, and I knew I'd need to move back to Columbus to be able to find any work, so I left.

I thought I'd be in Columbus by now, but I was delayed because of a visit to a friend's house that has since turned into a temporary place for me to attempt to get my bearings and follow up on work opportunities. My best friend Lee and his family are extremely hospitable and that amongst other reasons make me want to make certain I don't get comfortable and move back out to Columbus as soon as work beckons. While this'll mean no more food/comfy sleep/stable internet, it'll give me some impetus to get things sorted quickly.

My present location of exile from society is Urbana, which is a rather rural part of Ohio, but there is Springfield nearby for some of the amenities that may be needed beyond the basics at the local Wal-Mart. I managed to get back in touch with the manager at the pizza place that I had looked into previously and I'm scheduled to show up for training in Hilliard on Wednesday. I'm as yet uncertain whether I'll stay in Columbus for that or not, I suppose that will depend on how soon thereafter my shifts begin.

On top of the pizza place, I do have a programming contract which I accepted an advance for as of today. This post is actually a brief respite from the beginnings of that work. I've begun tinkering with the relevant APIs in PHP, but I'm considering seeing if the owner's hosting company can handle ruby or python however unlikely it may be.

Since I'm able to type this from a laptop, clearly I was (thankfully) able to make a trade via craigslist of my former desktop for a laptop. But most importantly, the only reason I was even able afford the gas to go anywhere or do anything was because of the donations and kindness I found on Reddit recently when I made a post there about some of the troubles I was having. That same post also opened up the opportunity for the contract I'm working on, as well as a loan offered by someone who knows me on the askreddit IRC channel.

All in all, things are looking pretty good and I think I'll be okay. I plan on getting a replacement pair of glasses for my present ones, because the present ones are utterly broken and are held together with gradually weakening duct-tape and super glue. I was able to find a glasses seller online that had sane prices I'm able to afford, so I'm pretty excited about having my first new pair of glasses in 4 almost 5 years.

Once I'm wearing pair of glasses not taped together with duct-tape and raw hatred, I'll post a picture of myself that is recent.

In the meantime, here's another picture from Urbana and also of my best friend's El Camino.

More updates and programming commentary to be posted as it comes to me.