Well, your input as always is great. You've always been one of the few people whose reflection on my person/character I can really trust, and I feel like you've hit on a few things again here. Yeah, I was overly bitter a few years ago. A lot has happened. I haven't dated anyone since Elizabeth, and that was...over a year ago. Which if you know me, is *very* unusual for me. I had a brief decompression period after her. I just became dissatisfied with where my life had gone and I eventually just let it all fall apart. I eventually got to a point where I sought no connections with anyone in Ohio, even turned away a couple nice girls who (to my shame) fell for me, because I simply wanted my life in Ohio to evaporate so that I could walk away and just let it all go. I don't really know how one thing led to another. After the flattened affect and everything else...I just let everything slide because I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing. My career was dwindling in the terrible economy and I had no real human ties other than Ben and you.
I'm definitely more social, and I'm also a lot less negative. On the other hand, I've still got a somewhat flattened affect (less down, but also less up) and I think the fact that I've somewhat purposely remained single as long as I have is starting to shift my attitude a bit. Menial conversation isn't really a phrase that enters my mind anymore. After Elizabeth, I don't see the value in that kind of interaction anymore. Talking to people like Elizabeth just heightens the danger you're in if they get any emotional hooks into you. People that brilliant but that lack self-discipline or emotional stability are a source of volatility, sadness, and anger. I don't want that again.
Philosophical discourse, in short, is overrated. There's no point. I know by now what I must do to be happy. I've got a couple ideas for white papers floating around in my head (I've got about 2000 words written for one idea, 3500 words written for another), but it's not anything I'm likely to act on, even if they're publishable in a journal of record. I understand now that if I want to be happy, I must seek to enjoy people as they are, not as they compare to some silly intellectual ideal. I just want to meet kind, sincere, fun people. People who will care about me after I've gone. Nothing else really matters beyond that, least of all the ability comment on obscure philosophical subjects.
I do think that I've taken to a slightly more clear writing style as you seem to suggest. I think I could still strip it down and simplify it more, but I'm happy with the progress so far.
Yes, positive changes. Most of all, I'm able to be happy in spite of my material circumstances. This is something that has done a great deal for me, and isn't something that can be done justice in a blog post. The only real recommendation I can make is "Buddhism with the dogma stripped out".
From April/May of this year until now I've been couchsurfing, living in my car, living on the street, backpacking, and traveling. I found what I wanted, a job programming. I lived as a vagabond of sorts for awhile, even managed to get some coding done. It was never the end goal. I just needed to strip my life down so that I could rebuild it. All I want is all I've ever wanted.
To quote Sal Paradise from Jack Kerouac's On the Road, "I want to marry a girl", I told them," so I can rest my soul with her till we both get old. This can't go on all the time -- this franticness and jumping around. We've got to go someplace, find something." - Sal Paradise
Specifically, it's a Python programming job that will have some Linux system administration mixed in. I was working a nonsense minimum wage job here in town, but that was just how I described it, nonsense. As far as pay and cost of living here in NYC goes, there's not much I can tell you. It's very livable here if you rent a room (rather than a whole apartment), but the quality of life per dollar earned is much lower than Columbus. It's not really desirable to live here unless you have a career or some kind of side gig from which you can derive significant income. I'm actually not going to be making a lot of money at the job I've just started but it's not something I'm dwelling on right now.
Things are a-changing. Even if they don't change for the better, I've always got a plan these days.
We'll see how things go here in Gotham.
