Shroud

My vision was alternating between pure darkness and brief glimpses through my slitted eyelids of the lights outside. The constant bumps and vibration only served to make my continuing consciousness a sure thing. My right leg was vibrating with an intense numbness that traveled through my leg and bled coldly into my lower thigh. I calmed my mind and focused on the numbness. It had to be from pinching some kind of nerve.

I knew that taking the bus on this trip wasn't going to be a luxury experience, but the little surprises were only bothering me because I couldn't seem to get any sleep.

I had a man sitting next to me who looked and smelled like bathing was something he regarded as something to be avoided at all costs. The lack of hygiene was compounded by his none too inconsiderable girth. There were two seats astride, I'd paid for one, and was getting and 1/3 of a seat for myself.

As we approached the layover stop, the bus driver made a note over the PA to leave something on your seat so that you may save your spot. I made certain not to leave a trace behind.

Despite it being 0128 on a Monday/Tuesday, the hustle and bustle in the Pittsburgh Greyhound station was more than I expected. I knew that it was a decent sized city, but I was still surprised at not only the quantity of people but also the din of activity. After spending an hour people-watching in the bus station, I reboarded the bus for Philadelphia. This time, I made a point of getting a window seat.

After the continual interruptions in my sisyphean attempts at sleep, I was starting to feel a bit unsettled and feral. Whereas on the bus I was feeling weary and vaguely homesick for a family that wasn't there, a city that I didn't have, and a home that didn't exist, arriving at the bus stop I was prepared to run screaming for the hills from all civilization just so that I could get some fucking sleep.

Shortly after I settled into a seat that didn't appear to be the one the man-oxen was aiming for, I had a new bus compatriot. This time, it was a grad student from Taiwan. His accent wasn't as bad as it could've been, but the noise of traveling in a large combustion powered vehicle down the highway made it an effort for me to listen to him. After exchanging some cultural commentary, I laid my head against the window and tried to go back to sleep.

Every time the bus jostled me while my head was rested against the window, it traveled like a wave from my feet to my head. I managed to use my hand as a shock absorber against the blessedly cold surface of the window. My eyes were finally staying shut of their own accord, rather than as an act of will on my part. The alternating lights and darkness of the highway were dancing across my eyelids like a dream machine. The experience itself was like being in major vein travelling somewhere important and each light flash was like an exiting capillary.

I dreamt then, dreamt of everything. My thoughts were half my intention, half where my mind wandered. I continued to be vaguely aware of the world around me, mostly through the light-dark-light-dark of the lit interstate I was on. My thoughts went to the color purple, they went to Sartre, they went to wherever they wanted. Eventually all I could think about was happiness and why I didn't have it.

Up to that point, my mind had been fairly quiet about the whole ordeal I was in. The living out of the car and being homeless, then losing the car, and now travelling to Philadelphia in the hopes of working out a new life. Now I was consumed with it. The grief of being stripped of what little I had in my life. The anger at the nepotism behind the false meritocracy of society. All of it made me angry now.

I closed my eyes tighter, took in a deep breath, and cleared my mind. Every time the light passed from my vision and faded into darkness, I held my breath and tried to freeze the moment in time. I was young, but that didn't mean that I had to be angry. I was homeless, but that didn't mean I had to be bitter. I merely had to discipline myself. After allowing several breaths in and about, I readjusted my satchel that was at my feet, propped my feet back up, and tried to go back to sleep.

I fell asleep with an empty and calm mind.